It's Been a Roller Coaster

It's been quite the roller coaster this week being back in my hometown. I have struggled immensely more than I have 'enjoyed' it. I have witnessed one of the strongest women I have ever known in my life become very frail. From being so independent, still in her 80s mowing the yard, gardening, and tending to the flowers, gathering her staples from the grocery store, to church, the place she never missed and where she guide us grandchildren.  To now, its a struggle to eat without assistance, and understand just where we currently sit in the world [the hospital], and pain many of us couldn't endure. She knows there is a goal; to go home again. She knows there are hurdles to overcome,  but the will and the thrive to complete them fades without reminder and support. For me, its emotional, its exhausting, and at times very difficult. For her, it's a helpless feeling g we are not ready to accept. Thats is where the other side of this visit falls in. Those who I have known my entire life have taken the time to reach in various ways: calls, visits, text messages, FB, Messenger, and even saying a fresh hello passing by out in the town. You have all kept me going and for that, I thank you.

The town has changed, it is certainly not what it use to be. Most on the local shops have not survived. Only a few of the prominent jobs remain and the struggles for the next generations still exist. While our school system is stable, exposure to technology, in depth training for skilled trades, clear paths to higher education  and how to fund them all still remain a constant struggle. Many of the beautiful farms I have always dreamed of owning have become run down. Where they been left to those who have followed, they have chosen to leave them vacant for an easier and higher paying career in another town. It's sad really, our little town was always so vibrant in my beginning years. There were people bartering to get the next open shop on main street, now it's a struggle to keep a section of them filled, let alone all of them. Property values have fallen and the tax base to keep the municipalities running is a give and take for many of the projects needing to be completed. Even with all that has been said, I love out little town. To me, it will always be home. Today, even with very little recognition to the faces you pass or the names you see in the dwindling paper of out town, there is still a small town feel. A friendly hello to a stranger, a unique place to the fast pace world just hours away. There is the support for those who are ill, and neighbors helping neighbors. It's been the best way to try and support the rolling emotions these past few days.

Time to Air the Laundry......

I was recently told I am unable to be a 'co-parent'... It's an interesting concept to me and one I cant get out of  my mind... for almost 7 years now.. since learning that my daughter would one day come to bless my life I have done nothing but base my life on providing everything I could from a loving, supportive, caring fatherly protective perspective. Yet I am being told I am not able to co-parent.... It's sad actually when you begin to boil down to the details.. Let's look at some of the more recent instances
:

Any time my daughter has ever done anything for milestones in her life I have always filmed, video'd, and capture her every moments and tried to share them.... yet cant remember the last time I was shared a moment, a photo or a video... and when ask to have copies or even provided a chance to scan and return the originals of known events (including the pics on the wall where there are no digital files or even copies) .. The responses have been 'they are mine guess you will have to start over with your own' or... 'I paid for them you go buy your own'.. For me Easter pics, Christmas pics, school pics, sports pics, etc... I have either shared or offered to share them... Yet I am the one who cant co-parent.


When it comes to school events I have always made sure the mother was aware or wanted to be a part even on the days my daughter was to be with me....yet recently on the 'Meet the Teacher' event before the new school year I ask for over a week what time Grace would be going to meet her teacher as I wanted to be there alongside her to support her as her father... I was never told a time... I called and text on the day of the event to see what time they were going and was never given a response... I finally was able to reach my daughter later in the evening and she told me 'sorry daddy, we have already been there'..... Yet, I am the one who can't co-parent. The good thing to know is that the teacher was already able to read some of the struggles from the previous year so she is aware of the situation.

Grace has always shared with her mother that it isn't fair she doesn't get to spend as much time with daddy as she does mommy. She has ask time and time again to be able to see her dad more to which her mother tells her no. It was hard on her when I took the new position late last fall because I was required to work 2nd shift.. I lost a couple of days a week with my daughter but when 'good jobs' are slim to come by... you take what you can get and you work your way out of them. As we competed the final changes to our custody agreement at that time it was understood that I would not be on '2nd shift' that long as I would do my best to go to another shift where I could have more time with Grace. We made a preset agreement so that if and when I changed shifts the custody agreement was already done and we wouldnt have to go back to court each time.. so it was set if I worked 1st, 2nd, or 3rd shift we already knew what those days would be.. Her attorney ask for 'examples' of what the shift times would be for each shift and we shared the times for the company I worked for.. Well, since such time I was ask by management to step into a higher position on 'dayshift' M-F 8-5... Remember the agreement already outlined an example of a  'dayshift' of M-F 6-2:15... Grace's mother is now saying because I work '8-5 and not '6-2:15' I am being told I do not have rights to my daughter for the new custody agreement of hours..... Yet I am the one who can't co-parent.

I currently pay almost $900/ mo in child support. That number is expected to change and go higher come next month due to being taken back to court A) because of the new position I accepted B) because my life is a much happier one C) someone just has nothing better to do.  Some of that money is reimbursement for medical coverage. The mother has always demanded she be the one to carry the insurance. Since starting with this new company I have ask to be allotted the ability to carry the insurance since I am the one to pay for it.. Here are the details: I am able to carry the exact same insurance, with the exact same coverage, co-pays, deductibles, etc..All of Grace's current established physicians
she has used since the day of her birth are covered.... for way less than half the cost of her mother carrying the plan through the hospital... and I am being told 'just keep sending the money'...  Let's take this a step further... Just this past week my daughter was instructed to ask her father about putting money in her school lunch account for this year since 'He doesn't pay me to take care of you'... Last year I placed almost $400 in her lunch account through the span of her kindergarten year.. Out of that $8 was used when Grace was with her dad as I always prepared her lunch for her on the nights she was with me and the remainder of it was used on the days she was with her mother. A recent email was received that stated 'YOU DONT PAY FOR GRACE AT ALL- NADA. YOU DO NOT SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER AT ALL" ..... Interesting isnt it... yet it is viewed that I am the one who is able to co-parent.

We have a pre-arranged agreement that during the evenings between the hours of 6-7 pm Grace is to be made available to speak with the other parent. That way each day she does get to speak with the parent she is not with... I was told in an email that 'You do not respect Grace's bed time'... I can show you the screen shots and provide the calling record to show that I call during my 'scheduled' time to call... Daily the phone is never answered and no texts messages provided as a common courtesy to simply advise they are in the middle of something we will call you later, Grace is doing homework... nothing... It is normal routine that she calls me between the 8:15 and 8:25 as the mother stands in her presence and hounds her to 'hurry up, it is your bedtime'... 'say goodnight to your dad you need to get to bed'.. Understand Grace has a very structured scheduled with me that despite school or summer her bed time remains the same as it is important to keep children her age on a schedule... They are growing.... During the past weekend when she was with me we tried to call her mother as we had no heard from her... No answer..Grace didnt want to leave her mother a message. At 9:00 pm that same night the mother returned a call, demanding to talk to her daughter... once Grace was on the phone the mother kept her up for 45 min reading stories to her.... and I am the one who can't co-parent?

And finally, one more as I think you are finally starting to get the point...
The mother recently tried to have a restraining order placed on me because I was finally able to learn what night of the week Grace had karate practice. This was the same place she attended summer camp. The practice was just an extension of her full day at camp. I had ask time and time again when she had karate practice and was told I was not allowed to go because these were not the days she was to be with me... I finally found out and just went one evening.. Grace was so excited to see me there.. The practice is 45 minutes long.. I was there... no sign of the mother, 10 minutes before practice was to end.. in comes the mother.. Now livid as she sees me there. Since that day she has tried to get me removed from being there because it is 'Not your night to have her' ... To further this.. as mentioned before Grace has always wanted more time with her dad... Her mother has always said I just need to leave their lives as she can provide a more stable and consistent schedule for Grace.  Yet looking back at the past two year alone... when with her mother on days she went to Pre-K and when she went to K... she spent an average of >10 hours a day in a day care or summer camp.... when she was with her day that number drops to <6 a="" allowed="" always="" am="" amount="" and="" another="" be="" been="" camp="" can="" cant="" care="" chance="" child="" co-parent....="" could="" d="" dad...="" day="" daycare="" dinner="" done="" drop="" dropped="" else="" events...="" ever="" for="" friends..="" going="" grace="" have="" help="" her.="" her="" here...="" hours...="" i="" if="" in="" is="" keep="" me="" meet="" mother...="" mother="" multiple="" my="" myself="" never="" of="" off.....="" off="" offered="" once="" one="" or="" other="" out="" p="" person="" please="" providing="" routine="" same="" say="" schedule="" she="" shopping="" significant="" sit="" situation="" so="" someone="" spend="" spent="" stable="" summer="" sure="" t="" than="" the="" there="" time="" times="" to="" understand...="" was="" went="" where="" while="" who="" with="" wouldn="" yet="">
I honestly could go on and on with the events that have happened... through proof of emails, text messages, recorded phone calls, recorded conversations in person.... those listed above.... not even the topping on the came... Its better represented as the 'tip of the iceberg'....... you make your own judgments... but if you  want the extra proof... Just ask.. I have them all....

New Chapters.......

We all long to find that one we were meant to be with.. That soul mate... the unequivocal connection destined to open our hearts to something so real we question its very existence. For those of you whom have experienced such a relationship in life you will know they can be intoxicating, and exciting.... They bring you the kind of feelings that cause you to experience a fluttering in your chest that can keep you up at night just thinking about what lies ahead.

I have been blessed to meet some very interesting and very special people along my journey. Some of you have become great friends.... Some of you showed me that it is OK to start over, you opened my heart to the renewed possibilities that yes there is someone out there for all of us.. The search is just part of the journey. The interesting twist to all of it... sometimes things happen and you were not even looking for them.  God has a plan for each of us and we must trust in Him to provide the guidance.

We all know we search for that one true person who "gets us"... They are not afraid to commit to someone who may have a few imperfections, who doesnt always have a good day but focuses on a better day tomorrow. That one person to walk beside you when all is well, that one to walk in front when you need a guide through a troubled time, and that one to walk behind you when they know you may need to go about it alone yet will be there if you fall.

I am here to admit I have found that one. I have found the one who speaks to my soul without ever saying a word. That one that when you know.... you just know. She keeps me grounded, she makes me happy beyond anything I have ever known before... She challenges me to be better even when she thinks I am already perfect. The touch of her hand makes me as nervous as my first school dance. When she smiles at me..... the brightest of days light up that much more.. The laughter of her voice, the concern and compassion she has shown even through recent difficult times. She has been there..

One of the most important things about all of this is that she is very nurturing and kind to the most important little girl in my life. She knows that she already has a mother but also knows it is very important for me that she have a role model for when she spends the time with her daddy too. Its easy for her because she too has a daughter. They are pretty much the same age and have been friends for quite some time (almost 3 years now). You have seen the pictures and just how well they get along. That makes it even easier to accept what God has set before me.

You all are very important to me, family and friends. I wanted to take a moment to share a small part of the one person whom my heart has fallen for, my mind has been engulfed with, and my soul has been touched with. It's only the beginning of many memories to come and I know in time those will be shared with all of you.

Weighted down......

Ever have a day or a time in your life where it seems as if there are not enough hours in a day? A time when the weight set upon your shoulders or your mind seems to be far more than one should have to endure.. Do you ever feel alone in making the decisions that have presented themselves without warning and you have no idea which will be the best to choose?


Which way do you go? With whom do you find yourself turning to? Prayer seems to be a release for me.. Giving it to God and allowing him to handle it for me.. Then my impatience kicks in and I seem to miss His guidance or messages. Far to often I find myself in this situation.

This seems to be one of those times in my life where I am faced with the heavy decisions. Unfortunately they seem to pile up without resolution. As I contemplate how I got to this point: Is it due to not enough hours in a day or is it "sweeping it under the rug" and hoping it goes away...... For that I truly do not know the answer. Maybe you have found yourself here.. what did you do?

 Yesterday is Yesterday... The past... You cant change it only learn from it. Tomorrow... we truly don't know what it brings... So we have today. Focus on what matters and keep walking forward. Never look back because for some reason you made the decisions you have and for reasons only you know why you based them from. Maybe it be a financial limitation, some restriction in your life, maybe it is the fear of doing something new... Maybe it is a negative experience that keeps you at bay from ever returning to what once was. Whatever it may be... Wherever you may find yourself.. and Whatever it is that may be occupying your mind... Give it to God.. He is always there for you when it seems as if no one else is.