PEACE...........

Peace: freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility, serenity, mental calm....

As the end of my first day draws near for the beginning of 2014 I cant help but try and find some conclusion to my pondering over the past week... Just what is it I am wanting out of life..?? Where am I headed, what is my focus, what are my wants and needs, who do I want to be when I grow up.....?! After all of the time spent, the sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, those lost in the moment forgot where I was driving thoughts about what my life is to be all about I have drawn that before I can move forward.... I need to find peace.. Peace with who I am, how I feel and what I have become in my life.. The constant evaluation of am I enough or do I need to be more... that comparison of do I have enough or do I have too much... the overwhelming feeling of do I measure up or am I equivocal..... The on going interpretation to which side of the tracks to stand, who to support, who to stand against...... In my life that thing, that one thing I have battled to feel is "settled"... that "ahhhhhh I have arrived to my destination moment" that seems to capture all I have been seeking... I have watched so many of you achieve your dreams, tackle your bucket lists, and forever go where you never thought you'd find yourselves.... I envy each of you.

There are so many things that pull at my heart....

Friendship and family. This past year has been a year of some friends turning their backs and walking away yet the introduction of new friends as well... I have met some great people and come to know them for a short period of time and others I have met I have come enjoy that we have crossed paths... Some.... well I treasured what they brought to my life, the relationships we had, and what their friendship meant to me and they just up and walked when I needed them most... It goes to show how "deep" that friendship is/was when the going gets tough. It's OK.. I keep them in prayer and can only hope one day God returns them to my life. My family..... well they say you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.. How true that is.... though we some times have our disagreements.... I love you all the same and just as much at the end of the day. Its been a hard year because I have been away from many of you for so long... I wish I could be closer to "home" but my daughter is here in Texas and is where I shall remain... I am sure you all understand why that is. I miss my momma, I want to see her more there are no other words. My Grandmother means the world to me an I know our years are limited together and that brings a tear to my eye... I want to spend more time with her... My father, I have come to seek more of his wisdom and I don't ever feel as if we spend enough time in conversation and his health scare we witnessed earlier year really made me think about how precious life is. I need to dial that phone more. My siblings.... I feel as if we have lost touch with each other in our lives as we have grown up and grown apart... I hope to bring that back closer.

God......that one relationship that had really evolved for me this year. The one relationship I have always felt I needed and did not give it the focus and passion it needed to mature... My relationship with God will always be an ongoing development that will never be complete. I always feel challenged to be better, do better, and I always feel as if I have fallen short. Yet I strive to go on and do more. This year I vow to spend more time in prayer, more time in study, and more time involved with the Word of God and making every attempt to live a better life based on the word of God. 

So from here.... where do I go? I shall devote more time and challenge myself to be a better father, a more devoted Christian. I will engage myself in more books, The Bible... I need to read the Bible...THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH, More time shall be spent completing volunteer efforts, and furthering my education.  Wine.. I shall drink more good wine. Be right back....  *cheers*. I want to spend more time catching up with friends and family...whether it be writing, messaging, SMS, smoke signals, an actual visit, face time, Skype, or a hand written letter... I will do just that. One a day... I want to try and connect every day with one person.. some how some way. 

After going back a "proofing" my verbiage I am not sure how all of this shall help me in seeking the "peace" I choose to so dearly achieve... but I am determined to find that balance that will help get me there.